Painful season

I am alone with love all around me
Lost in the midst of salvation
Raped by the evil of the world
Rejected most of all by me
Weary and want real faith

Cry

empty
shattered
lonely
i cry
 
listen
help
save us
i cry
 
surrendered
our
body
souls
and minds
 
please
Jesus
help
us
i cry
 

grief

The moon is full the sky bright the stars gaze back at me as I sit wailing with Sara on the box and sipping Shiraz.

The window is open I gaze out in wonder at the beauty of it all the power of creation then worry, can anyone hear?

Shadows fall, candlelight dancing across the floor, my attempt at solitude, at peace, cluttered with reality.

I sing louder wishing I was better, wishing for something never gained. The bleak places of the heart cloud the beauty of the moment as I wonder, why?

My heart drifts to and from the beauty to pain then sadness so deep only the supernatural can sustain me.

To be covered in beauty yet blind as I selfishly crumble I gaze at my existence in wonder and ask what makes a valid life?

Trying to make since of those blessed or cursed finding myself in both realities fighting to make since of it all.

As I sit, wailing with Sara tears steaming down my face sipping Shiraz wondering at the beauty of it all

can anyone hear the sadness?

I Have Lived

I was born so that I could live
A child my parents could love
I grew up poor and new it
If I could change that
I don’t think I would
Although I would change a few other things

I was embarrassed by my parents
And proud to be blessed
By treasures I call mom and dad
I have lived

I was loved and have loved
I have broken hearts and had my heart broken
I have been proposed to on three occasions
But have never been engaged

I believe single is underrated
Relationships aren’t so bad either
I have been a friend and have been friendless
But I like having friends better
I have lived

I have been care giver, nanny, waitress, pet store manager,
Minister, radio announcer and videographer
I have been unemployed and self employed
I call myself an aromatherapist
But I am a worshiper at heart
I have lived

I have been a singer and actress and dancer
I have been artist and poet and writer
Always better then some but never quite good enough

I have even been a model - hard to believe I am sure
Although, God help me I am embarrassed to admit it
Something’s you just have to come to terms with
I have lived

I have climbed mountains
Repelled into caves
And hiked in unimaginable beauty

For as long as I can remember
I have longed for the mountains
And found peace by the sea
I have lived

I have lived in the past
I have lived in the future
And have learned the present is far less painful

I have lived in the spot light
And I have never been noticed
I have been thin and fat
But definitely like being thin better
I have lived

I have grieved for the living
The dying and the dead
With sadness unspeakable
Disappointments to numerous to remember
I have lived

I have lived with joy unimaginable
Laughed so hard I have cried
Played and laughed and loved
And long to play and laugh and love more
Forgetting how to hurt
I have lived

I have lived under lies but know the truth
I have loved too much and not enough
For better or worse
With sadness and joy
And with determination
I have lived

I am a child of the King
And find comfort in sitting on my Fathers lap
I love to hear His heart beat
As I rest my head upon His chest

I am betrothed to the Son of God –
The ultimate Bridegroom
I have lived

I have trembled in the presence of the Holy Spirit
Spoke in unknown tongs
Danced with angels till dawn

I have laughed with holy laughter
Cried holy tears
And stand in awe of miracles
I have lived

When all is said and done
Life lived with joy and sadness
I will look into my Father’s eyes
And find completeness
For I have lived with Him by my side

Please God - Tell me I don't have to Wear Pink!

Please God let it NOT be so, does being female mean I have to wear pink? Ok, so what's the big deal; it IS just a color -- why am I so terrified of a little color? I like the colors red and white… is the blending of the two so utterly terrifying?

When I was a baby I wore pink, even as a college student, I wore pink, and unfortunately I have the pictures to back this up. I can see it now, the celebration of being female I will wear pink with bows and lace, pretty soon I will be wearing a purse and start speaking in a quiet dainty voice about child rearing and bran muffins. And then will you find me standing proud with my Hand Made Quilted Pink Flowered Bible Cover in the church narthex talking only to woman and being submissive?

Will I loose my voice; will I have an opinion of my own, and what if I marry? Like so many of my single friends will I suffer dementia as soon as my husband slips the wedding band on my finger? Forgetting how to use a wrench or God forbid the VCR? I shudder at the possibilities…….

Who cares if society shuns pink in favor of the Blue Power Suit or Birkenstock Sandals? Does the color pink have the power I think it does to transform me into a quiet mousy thoughtless woman who does and says everything revolving around her man or her society? Maybe I'm over reacting after all its just a little color, a simple pale mixture of pure white and crimson red. I suppose in the end it is my choice, will I let my life be dictated by man or by God?

Well, guess I should hurry up and get going, I hear The Limited is having its annual Pretty in Pink Sale, I will need to get there early -- my closets have been neglected far too long....

© V S April 15, 2004